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The Truth About Dating Apps | Dr. Paul Eastwick & Dr. Andrew Huberman

Huberman Lab Clips09:42Added Aug 31, 2026

Dr. Paul Eastwick and Dr. Andrew Huberman discuss the psychological dynamics of attraction and dating apps, highlighting how idiosyncratic 'hooks' and the de...

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Contributed by 刘嘉琪

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  1. Inequality in Dating App Markets

  2. 00:00So I don't have a lot to offer about
  3. 00:01personal experience on apps many years
  4. 00:03ago but it's been a while is this notion
  5. 00:05that like everyone you hear this
  6. 00:06everyone's competing for the same small
  7. 00:08number of people since when did is
  8. 00:11everyone thinking that they're supposed
  9. 00:13to pair up with the same small number of
  10. 00:15people?
  11. 00:16This is like ridiculous. That's like
  12. 00:18saying everyone's supposed to like the
  13. 00:19same
  14. 00:20top three songs even though you might
  15. 00:22not even like that genre of music.
  16. 00:23That's that's um insanity. Yeah, the
  17. 00:27apps absolutely pull for this. So when
  18. 00:31you look at who gets the right swipes
  19. 00:34and who receives messages on the apps,
  20. 00:37it's the most popular people. I mean,
  21. 00:40folks have claimed that it's one of the
  22. 00:42most unequal markets in the world. I
  23. 00:44mean, it's basically a kleptocracy. The
  24. 00:46extent to which Yeah, kleptocracy,
  25. 00:48right? The extent to which it's skewed,
  26. 00:50right? that there's like, you know, the
  27. 00:52rich, quote unquote, who have all the,
  28. 00:55you know, who who get all the all the
  29. 00:57the right swipes at the top, but regular
  30. 01:01acquaintanc.
  31. 01:05So, you know, one example that I like to
  32. 01:08use is that I if our job was just to
  33. 01:11evaluate whether somebody standing in
  34. 01:14front of us was hot or not, and it was
  35. 01:15somebody that we like interacted with
  36. 01:17briefly,
  37. 01:19and we're making just simple binary
  38. 01:22judgments, you and I are going to agree
  39. 01:25about like 2/3 of the time. So, that's
  40. 01:28that's better than 50/50, but it's far
  41. 01:30from 100%. I think actually that would
  42. 01:33surprise a lot of people. there's a
  43. 01:34reasonable amount of disagreement there.
  44. 01:37That's already starting to set the stage
  45. 01:40for us not necessarily pursuing the most
  46. 01:43appealing person because if there's
  47. 01:46disagreement, that means there's a
  48. 01:47chance that, well, you're going to go
  49. 01:49for this person, I'm going to go for
  50. 01:50that person, and it it levels out the
  51. 01:54playing field somewhat. I don't think
  52. 01:57the influence of attractiveness ever
  53. 01:59goes away, right? There's always going
  54. 02:01to be an unlevel playing field to some
  55. 02:03extent, but the more that people spend
  56. 02:06time together getting to know each
  57. 02:07other, it reduces some of those, you
  58. 02:11know, uh th those market forces that
  59. 02:13give the desirable people all the
  60. 02:15advantages.
  61. 02:16Yeah. The reason junior high school
  62. 02:18seemed so dreadful in my memory. I mean,
  63. 02:21I had a good time in junior high school,
  64. 02:23but it it was largely, at least for me,
  65. 02:25the fact that people in my peer group,
  66. 02:28cuz it was a pretty broad age range,
  67. 02:30were were still um among the guys were
  68. 02:33hitting puberty at different rates.
  69. 02:34Yeah.
  70. 02:35So, like a game of soccer that at one
  71. 02:38time was pretty even with respect to who
  72. 02:41could play well, like suddenly you're
  73. 02:42playing against what felt like a grown
  74. 02:44man. There's actually a kid in our town
  75. 02:46who I don't want to give up his name who
  76. 02:48I think he went on to I don't ever think
  77. 02:49he became a professional soccer player,
  78. 02:51but he was just
  79. 02:52he was like fully developed by the
  80. 02:54eighth grade. He was like facial hair
  81. 02:56and he was fast and he had like legs
  82. 02:58like tree trunks and he could move and I
  83. 02:59mean it was just
  84. 03:00completely dangerous to have him out on
  85. 03:02the field with the rest of us, right?
  86. 03:04And he was
  87. 03:05respected, adored, admired like and it
  88. 03:07was very context dependent. This was the

  89. Romance Story

  90. 03:09other thing I was going to say. I think
  91. 03:10you and I are both scientists. So,
  92. 03:12coming up, you spent a lot of time in
  93. 03:13labs.
  94. 03:14Yeah.
  95. 03:14I never forget there was a romance in a
  96. 03:17neighboring lab um that none of us
  97. 03:19understood. Like none of us understood.
  98. 03:22That's funny.
  99. 03:22And I remember asking my friend who was
  100. 03:24in this pairing and he said the
  101. 03:27attraction for him, although she was
  102. 03:29also attractive, but the the the hook
  103. 03:33was her prowess at aloquatting. So
  104. 03:36there's a thing you do with antibodies
  105. 03:37and labs where they come in and you have
  106. 03:38to put them into the little things so
  107. 03:40that it you know you freeze out a little
  108. 03:41bit and apparent
  109. 03:42really hard
  110. 03:44you get good at it but apparently like
  111. 03:45he walked in one day and she had a bunch
  112. 03:47of these little tubes stuffed between
  113. 03:48her fingers and she was just aloquotting
  114. 03:50really quickly while talking and from
  115. 03:52that moment he was just like smitten.
  116. 03:54That's beautiful.
  117. 03:55And I'll say they both never heard an
  118. 03:57example this good. I was like her
  119. 03:58aloquatting process like it or prowess
  120. 04:01and I thought to myself like is this
  121. 04:03like tapping into something? They they
  122. 04:05actually have children. He's his
  123. 04:06professor. They have children together.
  124. 04:07They seem very happy. I think anyone
  125. 04:09would say they're both attractive people
  126. 04:11but their pairing seemed like
  127. 04:14not predictable by any other external
  128. 04:16metrics. And the fact that something so
  129. 04:19specific was the hook
  130. 04:21Yeah.
  131. 04:21and that opened up into what turned out
  132. 04:23to be a long-standing marriage with kids
  133. 04:26is kind of wild. It is.
  134. 04:28But is this uncommon? Because what you
  135. 04:29described before is kind of like this,
  136. 04:30like there's something unique that makes
  137. 04:32it feel like there's a special
  138. 04:33attraction that indicates something that
  139. 04:35opens up to a special discussion and
  140. 04:37then there's this
  141. 04:38kind of um intimacy, right, that they
  142. 04:40share
  143. 04:42around aloquading that was spawned by
  144. 04:44aloquading. I don't recommend folks run
  145. 04:46out and learn how to aloquat in order to
  146. 04:48like this is not a strategy. [laughter]
  147. 04:50Um but that's the thing.
  148. 04:51Thematically it might be, but um so what
  149. 04:54are your thoughts on something like
  150. 04:55that? Okay, this is an incredible
  151. 04:57example and I think if if we're talking

  152. Building Connection

  153. 05:00about couples, I think most people would
  154. 05:02find this idea intuitive that if you
  155. 05:05know I ask somebody what is what is it
  156. 05:07that you love about your wife or what is
  157. 05:09it that you love about your husband? You
  158. 05:11know, you're going to get a bunch of if
  159. 05:13you get them talking for long enough,
  160. 05:14you'll get some idiosyncratic details.
  161. 05:17You'll get some stories. I mean, maybe
  162. 05:18if they're really forthcoming, they'll
  163. 05:20give you the in jokes and they'll
  164. 05:23explain the moments that made them feel
  165. 05:26something special for this person.
  166. 05:29I think what I'm suggesting is that
  167. 05:32those moments, the the the creation of a
  168. 05:35narrative with another person, it goes
  169. 05:38back earlier than we think. And that a
  170. 05:41lot of times what we're doing when we're
  171. 05:43trying to figure out if we're into
  172. 05:44somebody, yes, we look at how they look
  173. 05:48visually and we we take in all that
  174. 05:49information and it matters a lot. But
  175. 05:52we're also talking with them, forming
  176. 05:56little stories. If you have a little bit
  177. 05:58of good banter, that means when I see
  178. 06:00you at the party next week, I'm going to
  179. 06:02want to sit next to you and see if we
  180. 06:04can recreate that moment. And that's
  181. 06:07often where attraction is coming from. I
  182. 06:09think that's why the apps are so hard
  183. 06:11because it turns it into an interview
  184. 06:14where you're trying to impress other
  185. 06:15people with your traits. And again,
  186. 06:18traits are important, but it's like it
  187. 06:20it's not the life of the thing. The life
  188. 06:22of the thing is the little stories and
  189. 06:24moments that two people are sharing and
  190. 06:26and that's I think something that that
  191. 06:29people can be doing more with.
  192. 06:31Do you think that the dynamics on dating
  193. 06:33apps, the algorithms which are clearly
  194. 06:36designed to make the companies money?
  195. 06:37Yeah. Do you think those are more female
  196. 06:40driven algorithms or maledriven
  197. 06:43algorithms? Not meaning who runs the

  198. Dating App Algorithms & Engagement

  199. 06:45companies. We know the answer to that
  200. 06:47for the most part. The question is, do
  201. 06:49you think that the apps are trying to
  202. 06:52optimize for more women to come to them
  203. 06:55or for more men to come to them and stay
  204. 06:58there? Because the theory is always kind
  205. 07:00of launch in the opposite direction. And
  206. 07:02if that wasn't clear, um I'm just
  207. 07:05wondering who's who's got the power.
  208. 07:07My understanding now again the dating
  209. 07:10apps are hard to decipher because like
  210. 07:12these companies don't share data with
  211. 07:14us. I've worked with some matchmaking
  212. 07:16companies data. They're more interested
  213. 07:18in generally in collaborating with
  214. 07:20scientists because they've they got to
  215. 07:23make people on dates happy. They don't
  216. 07:25work on engagement, they work on happy
  217. 07:27dates, right?
  218. 07:27So they're more interested in talking to
  219. 07:29scientists. But I think when your goal
  220. 07:31is getting users and getting engagement,
  221. 07:34what you're probably trying to do is
  222. 07:36bring more women in, because my
  223. 07:38understanding is that there's more men
  224. 07:40on the apps. Yeah, I think so. I what I
  225. 07:43don't know
  226. 07:44and I don't know if anybody knows other
  227. 07:46than the people at these companies is
  228. 07:47like, okay, but how many of those apps
  229. 07:48are in use and how many people, you
  230. 07:50know, regular users? I'm not sure. So,
  231. 07:55you got to bring more women in. But
  232. 07:57again, engagement is the goal, right? I
  233. 08:01mean, that's what the apps want. They
  234. 08:02want you spending time on it and then
  235. 08:04they want you to get the fancier
  236. 08:06features. So, is that going to be more
  237. 08:08geared toward men? It it might be, but
  238. 08:11I'm kind of speculating here. I expect
  239. 08:14that when you're trying to create an app
  240. 08:17for heterosexual men and women, you're
  241. 08:21going to have to somehow marry those two
  242. 08:23challenges. And look, one of the bigger

  243. Evolutionary Biology & Swiping Behavior

  244. 08:26gender differences that we see in the
  245. 08:28whole realm of sex and relationships is
  246. 08:31in swiping behavior. The fact that women
  247. 08:34will swipe yes on like 5% of the men
  248. 08:37they see, but men swipe yes at about
  249. 08:4050/50. But that fits the kind of
  250. 08:42evolutionary quote unquote narrative.
  251. 08:45Like men being less selective, wanting
  252. 08:47to spread their
  253. 08:48their DNA, this kind of thing. I mean to
  254. 08:51my mind that whole thing around like
  255. 08:53medo spread their DNA okay like I
  256. 08:56believe in in evolutionary biology sure
  257. 08:58but there's a lot of modern features
  258. 09:03that make like accountability for
  259. 09:04offspring and things like it's not like
  260. 09:06men can run around just having kids with
  261. 09:07anyone and and afford all of that right
  262. 09:09it's I mean you know we were talking
  263. 09:11earlier there sort of like two models
  264. 09:12there's like the there's like the genus
  265. 09:15Khan ideal within this evolutionary
  266. 09:18biology model and then there's you know,
  267. 09:20kind of like where are we now? I mean, I
  268. 09:22don't think anyone,
  269. 09:24with the exception of some very wealthy
  270. 09:26people who who have kids with lots and
  271. 09:27lots of people and clearly can afford
  272. 09:28it, I don't think anyone's thinking
  273. 09:30they're going to go out and just have
  274. 09:31kids with as many people as they
  275. 09:33possibly can.
  276. 09:39[music]