Why Love Is Harder in a Second Language | Magdalena Hoeller | TED

Name: Why Love Is Harder in a Second Language | Magdalena Hoeller | TED
Duration: 15 min 50 s
Description: Saying “I love you” often feels more meaningful in your first language than in any other language you learn later in life, explains linguist and polyglot Mag...

TED15:50Added Aug 31, 2026

Saying “I love you” often feels more meaningful in your first language than in any other language you learn later in life, explains linguist and polyglot Mag...

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Contributed by 刘嘉琪

Transcript

00:03On a cold but sunny autumn afternoon,
00:07I was riding on the back of my husband's motorcycle,
00:10just cruising along one of our favorite routes around Newcastle.
00:15It was a pretty fresh day,
00:16so we were all rugged up in our protective gear.
00:20At a set of red lights,
00:22my husband lifted his visor and he said to me,
00:24"Hey, come feel my handles."
00:28So naturally, I reached for his hips and gave them a playful squeeze and said,
00:33"These handles are perfect, baby."
00:38What he, of course meant was his heated motorcycle handles,
00:43not his love handles.
00:45Yeah, a classic and genuine misunderstanding.
00:48And lucky we both have good humor,
00:50otherwise this could have ended in an argument.
00:54But interactions like these happen every day in intercultural relationships.
01:01This is not unique to us, of course.
01:04In fact, one third of Australian marriages are intercultural these days,
01:09according to the ABS.
01:10Which means we've never been more intimately connected across the globe
01:14than we are right now.
01:16What I didn't tell you so far is that I'm from Austria,
01:19so my first language is Austrian German,
01:22and my husband is from Australia, so he speaks English.
01:25So these kinds of conversations, misunderstandings,
01:29long explanations of jokes and words
01:32shape our relationship.
01:35By a show of hands, who in here knows at least one intercultural couple?
01:40Maybe it's even you.
01:41Yeah, exactly.
01:44Now in my research with intercultural couples,
01:47I found many beautiful aspects
01:49of having two different languages amongst partners,
01:52but also quite a few challenges
01:54that monolingual couples don't necessarily have to face.
01:59Let me ask you this.
02:01If you cannot flawlessly communicate
02:04with the person you want to be closest to in this world,
02:08how does that affect your relationship?
02:11This is what I'm going to answer for you today.
02:14I speak six languages,
02:16and I focus my studies in linguistics.
02:19And I worked with intercultural couples to uncover their language behavior
02:23and their dynamic.
02:25So let me take you on a journey today
02:27through the science behind all of these "love handles" stories out there.
02:32I'm going to let you in on three specific challenges
02:35that intercultural partners have to face on a daily basis,
02:38but sometimes don't even know that they're facing them.
02:42Some of these are very, very hidden.
02:45Now I'm focusing mostly on romantic relationships here,
02:49but you can apply this equally to intercultural friends
02:53or even workplace encounters.
02:55Oddly, these domains sometimes overlap.
03:00The first challenge I'd like to share with you today
03:02is how different languages carry different emotional weights for people.
03:08What does that mean?
03:10It basically means that when I say "I love you" in English,
03:14it doesn't feel the same as saying "ich liebe dich"
03:18for me as a German speaker.
03:20That's because language isn't just a tool for communication.
03:24It shapes our emotional experience,
03:27and our first language usually evokes the strongest one.
03:32That's why a declaration of love,
03:34which is such an emotionally charged statement,
03:38usually holds more weight for someone in their first language
03:42than in any language learned later in life.
03:45Now I grew up with the words “ich liebe dich” from my parents,
03:48so over the years of my life,
03:50these have gained an emotional weight
03:52beyond what any other language can achieve for me.
03:57So what does that mean for intercultural partners now?
04:00Imagine a Japanese-French couple, and they speak English together.
04:06Are they unable to communicate the true strength of their feelings
04:11because of this language distance?
04:14Now my husband and I, we mostly speak English together.
04:17Does that mean when I say "I love you" in English,
04:21it means less because I'm emotionally detached from it?
04:27We can observe this also with other emotions.
04:29For example, something that comes up in relationships?
04:33Anger, frustration.
04:36Now with anger,
04:39it's very often a totally different experience in English.
04:44It's very often the impact that matters more
04:46instead of the words.
04:48It's the classic,
04:49"Honey, it's not what you said, it's how you said it."
04:53Sound familiar?
04:55Yeah.
04:56Let me give you an example.
04:58Early on in my relationship,
05:00during an argument, I dropped a certain C-word.
05:05I'm not going to say what it is, you all know.
05:08Now at that time in my relationship,
05:10I had no grasp how offensive that word is in English.
05:15To me, it was just four letters string together.
05:18Just something I heard around the street here in Australia.
05:21(Laughter)
05:23I had no emotional connection to it.
05:27But my husband, he was shocked and rightly so.
05:32I've never used it since in any context.
05:35(Laughter)
05:37But that's the thing,
05:38when intercultural partners fight,
05:40we have to think of many things here.
05:42Is the word choice right?
05:45Mine clearly wasn't.
05:47How does that word land on the other person?
05:50So what's the impact?
05:52Mine was clearly horrible and misdirected.
05:55And thirdly, what is the delivery of it all?
05:58So what's the intonation?
05:59Is it too strong, too weak?
06:01And that's where intercultural partners,
06:03they bring their language background,
06:05they bring their cultural background to one table
06:08and have to negotiate this in a heated moment,
06:12at the same time.
06:13There's too much happening.
06:16Now fighting is already difficult with monolingual partners,
06:19but adding all of these elements,
06:21that requires a lot of communication.
06:25But let's be honest, who actually sits down
06:28to determine the terms of a fight
06:30before a fight, right?
06:32It doesn't happen.
06:36The second challenge I'd like to share with you today is humor.
06:41Making each other laugh is a big part of relationships,
06:45but humor often doesn't translate very well.
06:48Sometimes a joke is funny in one language, but it falls flat in another.
06:52Or it could be quite offensive.
06:56Now linguistically,
06:57we can break this down into two parts:
07:00into receiving humor
07:02and producing humor.
07:05From a receiving side,
07:06a partner might feel unsure if they grasp the true meaning of a joke
07:11or just a superficial facet thereof.
07:14That could be a purely linguistic issue,
07:17like not picking up on sarcasm or not recognizing a pun
07:21because the language skills just aren't there yet.
07:25There's also the cultural aspect, of course.
07:28Partners with different language backgrounds
07:30naturally grew up in different in-groups of a joke.
07:34So the people that understand a joke and the people that don't.
07:39I never understood why the Aussie phrase
07:43"shrimp on a barbie" isn't actually funny to Australians.
07:47It actually quite annoys them.
07:50My husband doesn't understand why the super cringey,
07:55nostalgic '90s TV show
07:57"Liebesg'schichten und Heiratssachen"
07:59is so hilarious to me.
08:01(Laughter)
08:02Different in-groups.
08:05That means that intercultural partners
08:07have limited common ground to work with here.
08:11And if one partner doesn't understand the joke,
08:13the other is stuck trying to explain it to them.
08:16And that conversation is never funny.
08:21From a producing side,
08:23we all know that producing humor in a second language
08:26is an incredibly difficult skill to master.
08:29There are so many elements to get right.
08:32The subtext of a joke, the punchline, the context, the delivery,
08:36all while making sure that it's appropriate and, well, funny.
08:42Right?
08:43Now in my research with intercultural couples,
08:47they all confirmed that they feel less funny
08:51when joking in a second language with their partners.
08:55Can you imagine what that does to your self-esteem
08:58and to your couple dynamic?
09:01In one particular interview,
09:03one of the male participants said about his wife,
09:06"I don't think she's ever made me laugh in English.
09:10She's a German speaker."
09:13Now these sentiments aren’t uncommon.
09:15Even I can attest to that.
09:18I always felt that I was effortlessly hilarious in Austrian German,
09:23but I couldn't bring that same energy to English,
09:26and I was so disheartened that my husband would never know
09:29the true comedic genius his wife actually is.
09:32(Laughter)
09:34Such a tragedy.
09:36(Laughter)
09:37But that's the problem here.
09:38Humor, or the lack thereof, can create distance between partners.
09:43It can stop us from truly knowing each other.
09:49I've left the last challenge for you,
09:53which I find the most interesting one,
09:56and it is also the most hidden one.
09:58It is something couples deal with
10:00and it is so subtle, they very often don't even notice.
10:04And it is the hidden power dynamics between intercultural partners.
10:10From a pure language perspective,
10:12and we're only talking language here,
10:15there is always a partner who is linguistically superior
10:18and someone who is inferior.
10:22You might think now,
10:23well, it's the one who speaks the language better, right?
10:27That can be one aspect, but it's not quite that simple.
10:30There is many more layers and facets to it.
10:34You are correct though, one aspect is language proficiency.
10:39Now even though my English skills are really good and high,
10:43my husband is a native speaker.
10:45He will always be more proficient in English than I am.
10:49And that puts him at an advantage in a lot of situations.
10:54He's the one who manages all of our contracts.
10:57He's the one who explains vocabulary to me during movies
11:00when I don't understand.
11:02All of this isn't a big deal, of course,
11:05but in some ways, it flows into the dynamic of our relationship
11:09because I am linguistically dependent on him.
11:13And that is something we never notice on a daily basis.
11:18It's extremely apparent, though, when we have an argument.
11:22We're having all these heated discussions in English,
11:25my second language, his first language.
11:29After a day of processing life and work and emotions
11:34and conversations in English,
11:36it takes me double the energy
11:38to find the right words in these heated moments.
11:42His responses are immediate,
11:44but I would very often just like to say,
11:47"Thank you for your response.
11:49I will get back to you in three to five business days."
11:51(Laughter)
11:53So you see, the partner with the higher language proficiency
11:56does have the upper hand here.
11:59But like I said, there’s other factors, too.
12:01There's also the global status of the language in use amongst partners.
12:06Now global player languages like English, Spanish, Mandarin,
12:11they are viewed as superior in comparison to lesser-spoken languages.
12:16So couples naturally gravitate towards them.
12:20Again, English versus Austrian German?
12:24I'm not winning so far.
12:26The dominant global status of English will always take preference,
12:30and that flows into the dynamic of our relationship.
12:33Because we're not speaking my language as much as I'd like to.
12:39But one factor we cannot forget is the linguistic environment
12:43where a couple chooses to live or the country.
12:47Now in Australia, a native speaker like my husband
12:51is in his linguistic comfort zone.
12:53But if you remove that safe environment,
12:56the power dynamics can very much change.
12:59As soon as we travel to Austria,
13:01suddenly, I'm the one ordering food at restaurants.
13:04I'm the one translating at family events.
13:07The roles reverse.
13:10So the power dynamics are not just defined
13:13by the couple itself
13:14but also by their surroundings.
13:19I've presented you with a range of hidden language challenges now
13:23that intercultural partners face on a daily basis.
13:26And I think it's pretty apparent:
13:28dealing with two different languages here is tricky.
13:33You might be asking yourself right now, so what's the solution?
13:36What can we do?
13:39The bad news is that these things never really go away,
13:42no matter how long your relationship lasts.
13:46My husband and I, we've been together for nine years now,
13:49and we still struggle with most of these things.
13:53The good news is that I can give you two very simple recommendations today.
13:59The first one is awareness.
14:03Be aware that your emotions can be guided by your language,
14:07love, anger and everything in between.
14:11Be aware that your humor is rooted in your cultural background,
14:15and it sometimes doesn't translate in another language.
14:19And be aware that your language skills and your surroundings
14:23can raise or lower your linguistic power over your partner.
14:28Because if you're conscious that these things are happening
14:31for you behind the scenes,
14:33you'll realize that these things are also happening for your partner.
14:37And only then you can work on my second recommendation together.
14:41And that is actively build your microculture.
14:46Your microculture is your perfect blend of both your cultures, your habits,
14:51your traditions and your languages.
14:54So build your love language.
14:56Invent new words that don't exist.
14:58Switch between your languages as much as possible.
15:02Define your own humor.
15:04Get your own insider jokes.
15:06Define your own comedic language.
15:08That's the humor that counts.
15:11And work towards an equal power dynamic.
15:15Give each other chances to grow in each other's languages and countries.
15:22What I want you to take away today
15:23is that all these challenges are tricky,
15:27but they're also an opportunity to evolve.
15:30No matter if it's with an intercultural friend
15:33or at work
15:34or in a romantic relationship.
15:38Love is hard in a second language, but it's definitely worth it.
15:43I’m sure you’ll all “handle” it, too.
15:46Thank you.
15:47(Applause)