How to Build Romantic Relationships | Dr. Paul Eastwick & Dr. Andrew Huberman
Dr. Paul Eastwick and Dr. Andrew Huberman discuss the mechanics of building intimacy during dating, highlighting how reciprocal self-disclosure and the shari...
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Contributed by 刘嘉琪Transcript
Better Speed Dating Questions
- 00:00two people are on a date and they have
- 00:02only a few minutes. It's kind of a speed
- 00:04dating type situation and they need to
- 00:05make a good assessment as to whether or
- 00:07not they genuinely would like to spend
- 00:09more time with the person again.
- 00:11Uh what what are the questions they
- 00:13should ask?
- 00:14All right. So, I like the questions that
- 00:16are a little bit more offbeat. You know,
- 00:18what people tend to do on speed dates is
- 00:20they they want to find common ground
- 00:23quickly. You know, if it's college
- 00:25students, maybe we're going to talk
- 00:26about their major. Uh do we share a
- 00:28major? No. uh like pivot uh where are
- 00:30you from? And they'll try to find
- 00:31something that they can bond over
- 00:35[snorts]
- 00:36and that can work very well. But I think
- 00:40the core of what we want in an initial
- 00:43interaction with somebody is to take
- 00:45away something that feels like it was at
- 00:47least a little different than all the
- 00:48other interactions that we have. And so
- 00:51sometimes what that means is going a
- 00:55touch deeper than people are comfortable
- 00:57with. Now in in 4 minutes it's tricky if
36 Questions Test
- 01:02you have a little bit longer like a
- 01:04regular evening length date. I really
- 01:06like the 36 questions test like this is
- 01:09the sometimes it's called the fast
- 01:11friends procedure. But these are
- 01:13questions like, you know, what's one
- 01:15thing that you've never told somebody
- 01:17that you've always wanted to tell them
- 01:18and what's stopping you? Or
- 01:20people answer that.
- 01:22Yeah. I mean, after if you've been
- 01:24hanging out with somebody for 60 to 90
- 01:26minutes, that is a pretty good way to
- 01:30elicit real depth and give like both
- 01:34people a chance to do some reciprocal
- 01:36self-disclosure cuz that's what people
- 01:38want. That's what people connect over is
- 01:40like I've like I feel like I've just
- 01:44heard maybe it's true, maybe it's not,
- 01:45but I feel like you've just told me
- 01:47something that you haven't told most
- 01:49people and maybe you haven't told
- 01:51anybody. I vividly remember falling for
- 01:55somebody when that moment happened. It's
- 01:58like I really you are telling me this. I
- 02:01I don't I don't think you've ever told
- 02:03anybody this before and it is such a
- 02:07rush. I I think like I don't know, man.
- 02:10The internet, it's like convinces all we
- 02:12care about is like sex and hotness.
Building Trust Through Vulnerability
- 02:14There is nothing like the rush of having
- 02:17somebody tell you something that they've
- 02:18never told anybody else. And again, this
- 02:21is like the stuff that gets
- 02:22relationships researchers excited cuz
- 02:24this is what we see in our data.
- 02:25Responsiveness, closeness, like building
- 02:28trust and all of that stuff. Now again,
- 02:30four minutes is really hard. Four
- 02:32minutes, you just got to get a little
- 02:34nugget of something that you want to
- 02:35build off later. And maybe that is your
- 02:38hometown and maybe it is like, "Isn't
- 02:40this a weird experience that we're only
- 02:42going to get to chat for four minutes,
- 02:44but whenever there are roots to go for a
- 02:47little bit more disclosure, I usually
- 02:49advise that that people go for it. It it
- 02:52it will pay off on average, even if it
- 02:55can feel kind of awkward in the moment."
- 02:57Do you think there's uh more excitement
- 03:00if one gets the sense that the other
- 03:02person is um taking a bit of a risk in
- 03:06disclosing it? Not like I've been dying
- 03:08to tell somebody this and there's never
- 03:10been opportunity. Thanks for giving me
- 03:11the opportunity and
- 03:13you know I whatever. I always, you know,
- 03:15wanted to come back in my second life as
- 03:17a guppy or something. I I don't know.
- 03:18I'm picking a trivial example on
- 03:20purpose. It's not true. Much better
- 03:23[laughter] tropical fish. Big tropical
- 03:24fish enthusiast. much better freshwater
- 03:26discus. Much better fresh owned by me
- 03:28cuz it would be have a really good life.
- 03:31Um, take really good care of my
- 03:32freshwater discus. But in all
- 03:34seriousness, does that mean that people
- 03:36are walking around harboring, especially
- 03:39single people are harboring
- 03:42parts of themselves that they're craving
- 03:44intimacy, you know, that that's of the
- 03:47exchange things that they've never told
- 03:49anyone that they wish they could tell
- 03:50someone, feel safe enough to tell them.
Connecting Through Personal Narratives
- 03:52Is that what you're talking about? you
- 03:54know, creating a real moment of intimacy
- 03:57early on. That's not physical intimacy.
- 03:59It's
- 04:00I don't even know if it's emotional
- 04:01intimacy. It's like it's like human
- 04:04connection, right? It's like I'm a
- 04:06person that's had particular experiences
- 04:09and you're a person that's that's had
- 04:10particular experiences and we have these
- 04:12like narratives and stories about
- 04:14ourselves.
- 04:15Again, the science historically has been
- 04:17so focused on traits and I get it. Like
- 04:20I and I understand the evolutionary
- 04:22focus on traits, but man, humans are
- 04:24stories, right? We're narratives and we
- 04:27want other people to be privy to that
- 04:30narrative and then maybe eventually be a
- 04:33part of it. So I think that that is
- 04:36often what can be very powerful. Now for
- 04:38people who are single and they like want
- 04:40to be in a relationship, I do think that
- 04:44it can be that sense that they're
- 04:46lacking. A lot of people are single and
- 04:48are very very happy with their single
- 04:50lives. And I also understand that a lot
- 04:52of people if they're single and they're
- 04:53dating.
- 04:55Look, there's a lot of reasons to be
Costs Of Forming Relationships
- 04:57cautious. Forming a relationship is a
- 04:59low base rate event. It doesn't happen
- 05:02all that often.
- 05:03And it's time costly. It can be
- 05:04financially costly. It's energetically
- 05:07costly. It's very energetically.
- 05:09Exactly. Like we don't go around forming
- 05:11relationships with everybody. But I I
- 05:13also happen to think that like once the
- 05:16ball gets rolling, the pull can be very
- 05:18strong. And part of that pull is this
- 05:21this desire to have somebody kind of see
- 05:24me, get me, understand me. I might be
- 05:27talking about securely attached people
- 05:29on average, right? There's always going
- 05:30to be that avoidance pull too, like
- 05:33people need to self-protect to some
- 05:35extent, but the sort of desire to open
- 05:38up and have somebody like really get
- 05:39you, it's it's so core to the
- 05:42relationship science worldview and and I
- 05:45think it says a lot about like who we
- 05:48are as a species and like how we form
- 05:50mating relationships.
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