Transcriptly

The 6 Essential Ingredients of Loving Relationships | Sara Nasserzadeh | TED

TED09:27Added Aug 30, 2026

How do you build a lifetime of love? After analyzing 450 couples across more than 40 countries, relational psychotherapist Sara Nasserzadeh discovered six essential ingredients for successful relationships (hint: it's not just about sexual chemistry). Learn more about "emergent love" — a new, evidence-based model for fostering the love you desire. (Recorded at TEDNext 2025 on November 10, 2025)

Watch on YouTube →
Contributed by 刘嘉琪

Transcript

Transcript format
  1. 00:04Let me tell you about Claire.
  2. 00:06Claire is 42, a sharp executive.
  3. 00:09On paper, her marriage is perfect.
  4. 00:12And in my office, she whispered,
  5. 00:15"I feel nothing."
  6. 00:17And then she asked me,
  7. 00:19"Am I asking for too much?"
  8. 00:22Max is 38,
  9. 00:24a founder who has lived happily with Allie for the past four years.
  10. 00:29And yet, he found himself in my office asking me,
  11. 00:33"Do you think she's the one?"
  12. 00:35We all carry stories about how love should be, feel and look like.
  13. 00:41I see this through the lens of my work as a relational psychotherapist,
  14. 00:46psychosexual therapist and social psychologist.
  15. 00:50In the past 20 years,
  16. 00:52I've helped more than thousands of people across the world
  17. 00:56to help them make sense of their relationships
  18. 00:58from the most intimate spaces
  19. 01:00to the most public ones.
  20. 01:02Today, I want you lovelies to look at me as your relationship architect.
  21. 01:08Because I'm here to offer you a blueprint that is evidence-informed
  22. 01:13and is going to introduce you to a whole new model of love
  23. 01:16so that you can develop the loving relationships you desire
  24. 01:20without second-guessing yourself,
  25. 01:22the other person or the relationship.
  26. 01:25I hope you're ready.
  27. 01:28So my colleague and I studied 450 couples
  28. 01:32who've been together anywhere from one
  29. 01:34to 40 years.
  30. 01:37And these couples showed us six essential ingredients.
  31. 01:42And after we analyzed 180,000 data points about them,
  32. 01:48we came up with these six ingredients,
  33. 01:49but also, surprisingly,
  34. 01:51we found out about a whole new model of love
  35. 01:54that I call “emergent love,”
  36. 01:56because it can only exist
  37. 01:58when the six ingredients
  38. 01:59that are essential for thriving relationships
  39. 02:02are present.
  40. 02:04Imagine it as a warm and cozy fire
  41. 02:07that can only be alive
  42. 02:09when all the essential elements are there to keep it going.
  43. 02:13Now when I walk you through these six ingredients,
  44. 02:16you might say, "Oh, they sound familiar,"
  45. 02:18but there's a twist
  46. 02:19because our thriving couples embody them and define them differently.
  47. 02:24Number one is attraction.
  48. 02:27For thriving couples,
  49. 02:29attraction is way beyond sexual chemistry.
  50. 02:32It's only one of the reasons that they come together.
  51. 02:34And in this way,
  52. 02:35attraction is a renewable energy
  53. 02:38because it wants you to be around the person
  54. 02:41and explore new ways of being with them and re-knowing them.
  55. 02:47On the other hand, sexual chemistry is a fleeting biological desire
  56. 02:52that can fizzle out
  57. 02:54when the initial infatuation phase is over.
  58. 02:59I'll tell you what,
  59. 03:00when the novelty part of the relationship is over,
  60. 03:03if you want to chase the chemistry,
  61. 03:05it's as if you're tickling yourself.
  62. 03:08It just doesn't work.
  63. 03:10And then we are convinced
  64. 03:11that we fell out of love with our loved one
  65. 03:15or we chose wrong.
  66. 03:17There is also a daily practice that we observe in thriving couples
  67. 03:20that they didn't name it,
  68. 03:22but in social psychology we have a term for it.
  69. 03:24It's called reciprocal liking.
  70. 03:27What it is basically,
  71. 03:28is if I think that you like me, I like you back.
  72. 03:32It's more likely that I like you back.
  73. 03:35Now these daily signals need to change as we change over time.
  74. 03:40Really think about it.
  75. 03:41Between diaper duty and deadlines,
  76. 03:43where is that signal that says, “I like you?”
  77. 03:47“I’m into this version of you, now.”
  78. 03:51Number two is respect.
  79. 03:53Respect literally means to look again.
  80. 03:56So basically, it's the opposite of taking anyone, including yourself,
  81. 04:00for granted.
  82. 04:02And obedience,
  83. 04:03walking on eggshells, is not respect.
  84. 04:06They are fear.
  85. 04:09Thriving couples have basic etiquette.
  86. 04:13They say hello in the mornings.
  87. 04:16They say good night before they call it a night.
  88. 04:19They don't interrupt.
  89. 04:21They don’t walk away mid-conversation.
  90. 04:24And they don’t cover up sarcasm as humor.
  91. 04:28I often hear, “I’m not respected by my partner.”
  92. 04:31And I ask, "Are you respectable?"
  93. 04:34And there's a pause.
  94. 04:36I say, "Look, do you live by your own principles,
  95. 04:38or are you the first person walking all over them?"
  96. 04:42Do you communicate your boundaries as invitations
  97. 04:45so the other person knows how to be around you
  98. 04:47lovingly, firmly and on time,
  99. 04:49or as passive aggressive ultimatums?
  100. 04:52And do you equally have regard for the other person's boundaries?
  101. 04:56Thriving couples are both respectable and respectful.
  102. 05:02Number three is trust.
  103. 05:04We found that trust has two main pillars.
  104. 05:08One of them is consistency, and one of them is reliability.
  105. 05:13So you have to really be able to have both.
  106. 05:17Now thriving couples know that trust is built and rebuilt
  107. 05:23based on little promises kept over time.
  108. 05:26Not grand and expansive and expensive apologies.
  109. 05:33Think of it this way.
  110. 05:35That you need to show up for one another,
  111. 05:37no matter how big or small the stakes are.
  112. 05:40You can't leave the other person hanging.
  113. 05:42Think about that unpaid bill.
  114. 05:44Think about the second drink you chug down
  115. 05:47and you don't even remember it.
  116. 05:49Think about the private story that was shared public.
  117. 05:53Think about the harmless DMs and likes.
  118. 05:58Number four is compassion, not empathy.
  119. 06:02If empathy is feeling with the other,
  120. 06:05compassion is feeling for the other without losing your own ground.
  121. 06:10Our couples told us
  122. 06:11that overemphasizing and overidentifying can kill your relationship,
  123. 06:16can really drain your relationship.
  124. 06:19Yes, there are moments
  125. 06:20that you would like to commiserate with each other
  126. 06:23or feel those juicy sensations
  127. 06:25when you have erotic empathy with one another.
  128. 06:27But for daily lives, everyday life,
  129. 06:30compassion is the default for these couples.
  130. 06:34Picture this.
  131. 06:35I come home upset.
  132. 06:37You match my intensity to the level that you lose it with me.
  133. 06:41If we are both bleeding, who gets the band-aid?
  134. 06:45So thriving couples can be there for the other
  135. 06:48without making the scenario about themselves.
  136. 06:52Next one is shared vision.
  137. 06:55You need to know where you are going individually and as a couple.
  138. 06:59At least know where you don't want to end up.
  139. 07:02Otherwise, your resources will be scattered,
  140. 07:04and resentment will be inevitable.
  141. 07:08Thriving couples have plans for their days, weeks and years ahead.
  142. 07:13They name a destination,
  143. 07:14and then they prioritize their resources of time,
  144. 07:18energy, attention and money,
  145. 07:19and they commit to them.
  146. 07:21So their daily choices are strategies, not tug of war.
  147. 07:26They also negotiate often what movies to watch tonight.
  148. 07:31They compromise sometimes.
  149. 07:33This holiday at my parents', the other one at yours.
  150. 07:38They sacrifice rarely.
  151. 07:41For example, let's have this relationship long-distance for two years
  152. 07:45until your degree is over.
  153. 07:48They make it time-bound.
  154. 07:50Specific, rewarded, not expected.
  155. 07:54Last but not least is the loving behaviors.
  156. 07:58Loving behaviors show us you don't fall out of love.
  157. 08:03You fall out of loving.
  158. 08:06So one thing that we learned is
  159. 08:07loving, thriving relationships is not unconditional or a given.
  160. 08:12When was the last time that you went out of your way for your partner?
  161. 08:18Do you give each other the benefit of the doubt?
  162. 08:21Thriving couples are tender with their touch, with their words,
  163. 08:25with their presence,
  164. 08:26and they make them exclusive and specific to each other,
  165. 08:29even if other people are in the mix.
  166. 08:31So, for example, if they say "honey,"
  167. 08:33their dog and partner and mom and neighbor,
  168. 08:35everybody don't show up all at the same time.
  169. 08:38(Laughter)
  170. 08:41There you have it, lovelies.
  171. 08:43I offered you an evidence-informed blueprint to build thriving relationships
  172. 08:49so love has a chance to emerge.
  173. 08:51You build what fits your life.
  174. 08:54And tonight we talked about coupledom.
  175. 08:56But trust me, I've seen it over and over again,
  176. 08:59if you master these six ingredients,
  177. 09:02you will rise in all of your relationships.
  178. 09:05Because the way we do one relationship
  179. 09:07is the way we do them all.
  180. 09:09And if you're going to take one thing out of our time together tonight,
  181. 09:13let it be this.
  182. 09:15Everyone can
  183. 09:17and deserves
  184. 09:18to be in the loving relationships they desire.
  185. 09:22Thank you.
  186. 09:23(Applause)